California comin' home

My family and I are out here again in Cali for Hokehankist, an Armenian word roughly translating into spirit rest. It was 40 days ago Grandma died, and on the fortieth day family and close friends gather at the burial site and honor the dead. Its hard to comprehend that someone you spoke to not a few months ago is now resting under several feet of earth. I do know its not truly at rest, for everyone in my family has been feeling her presence with them. I haven't yet, but I know she's watching over us and helping my family. Now that Mom doesn't work for NBC anymore she's going back to school and Dad has picked up some great long-term design work, so we're all thankful.

I've reconnected with some old friends this weekend. Mountain View put on Beauty and the Beast this weekend and I ran into many of my old friends at the show. Until then I had not missed high school, I was a different person, unsure, uncomfortable, insecure... ok I'm still all those things :) but now I'm happier. Now instead of feeling ashamed when I think of these people I feel a longing to share life with them again. Its an odd sensation, but I can't let it go, its a strange euphoria knowing that I'm closer to being who I want to be. Can't complain...

I realized that I used to try too hard–to please, to give, to be a friend, and that pushed the people I loved away. But the point isn't to give and expect but to be and adapt, to not compromise yourself while at the same time being aware of the needs of others and to not sacrifice your own needs.

I wish I could go back and fix myself and tweak myself in high school, but if those experiences meant that I've become better for them now, then I'm thankful.

Gawd, preach preach preach! I'm done, enough! Have a good weekend everyone!

On the outside

I feel excluded. I've discovered how introverted I actually am, and this keeps me out of several things. Unless extremely comfortable, I get quiet at social gatherings. I feel like I have nothing relevant to offer, or that what I say doesn't count. I'm always the person on the outside. Yes, I have good friends, good mentors, but I'm the one who gets left behind when those people take it a step further. Then I get jealous; I feel betrayed and left out of the loop. I want people to be honest with me, candid and frank, and not lead me on. If I'm not included that's fine, but I want to know where they stand with me.

I hate to sound so mean. I'm just ready to grow up and get this angsty stuff out of the way.

Wednesday

My grandmother's viewing was yesterday and it was absolutely beautiful. Her room was brimming with flowers. Which, not gonna lie, gave me a headache after a couple of hours. :) Grandpa looked great, real strong and healthy. A few weeks ago he was in the hospital to have colon cancer removed. He came home two and a half weeks before she passed away. I'm just so glad they were together at the end.

Honestly, when I first heard that something had happened I thought Grandpa had passed. Our minds  had all just been on him for the past few weeks. But now he's recovering quickly and doing very well. As for everyone else... I cried when I saw her yesterday. I was scared I wasn't going to because I hadn't already, but I saw her and tears came. She looked so beautiful, and did NOT look like an 80 year-old woman.

The funeral is today. Is it wrong to look forward to that? I mean, everyone will get to see each other, and see her. I guess I want everyone to see her to see how beautiful she looks. What I'm not looking forward to is singing. I don't know if I'll be able to get through it. I'm singing Ave Maria near the end of the ceremony, so of course I'll be nice and nervous by then. But its for Gramma, so maybe that will ground me. We'll see.

I'm not much in the writing mood right now. Tomorrow I'll have more details of how the funeral went, along with the success (or lack of) of the song. This will be a long day.

Undiscovered Country

I know I haven't been on here for awhile. Life just kinda got away from me all at once. Maybe I let it get away. I have a big issue with dealing with things- anything. School, work, theatre, travel, death. When I venture into-- no, I don't venture, rather I sit back as far and as long as I can and watch. When I see something that is unknown to me, I am atypically reserved. I don't like change, I want to be comfortable. I don't want to want that, but somehow the concurrent events of my life have made it difficult for me to seek change.

For example, I don't want to get stuck here in Arizona. I want to move away, to New York, LA, Seattle, any place exciting and brimming with opportunity. I don't want to get stuck at the Hale Theatre in Gilbert, AZ. There is Phoenix Theatre, Arizona Broadway, Southwest Shakespeare that, for now, could offer me so much and give me the chance to grow.

I want those new things, yet when the opportunity to have them is handed to me on a silver platter, I find a distraction, or a distraction finds me, and I move on to what I already know: I am comfortable being unsatisfied.

My grandma passed away last week while I was at Disneyland. What was great about that trip was there were no obligations and no drama. There was no future other than the immediate future, the one that determines what ride to go to next. The only proof of a past was my camera and my memory, but I can't trust my memory, so only the camera. There was no time, and nothing happened anywhere else in the world. Grandma hasn't died, because a person can't die when nothing is happening in the world. I imagine this week will be hard for me. I haven't grieved, so I don't look forward to what the funeral has in store. It will be uncomfortable.

I'm not okay with that. But I need it. I need to let myself get riled up, actually follow through with the unknown for a change. I must allow my mind to dwell upon a future, an uncertainty. I know Arizona, I know the Hale, I know Disneyland... but these other places are foreign. I'm venturing into one of those places this week, and I'm not sure if I'll end up back here. I'm scared.

Yeah... new page

I'm an extremely indecisive person. :)

Stupid sick

I woke up with sore lymph nodes. Run to the airborn!! Hopefully I can get off work, because I do not want to feel this way for tonight's show. Everyone who I've been around is sick. Kara, Joann, Colin, Cinnamon, then Skyler had it for awhile. I guess its just my turn.

Blech, I'm coughing up phlegm. Hee hee, that's such a great word. Anywho, the whole ask me any question thing is still open through the end of the week. So... Friday. Yeah.

Free for all

Ask me any question. I will give an honest answer.

Anything you wanted to know about me ever, now's your chance.

Tickets in Gilbert

Buy tickets for Singin' in the Rain. Selling out fast. But that's not the kind of ticket I'm talking about in the title above.

I woke up late this morning and was subsequently running late for work. The theatre is right in the heart of old town Gilbert; narrow streets, old-timey store fronts... slow speed limit. I turned onto Gilbert road, and in that part of town the limit goes down to 25; the street I was on was a 35. I only had a short distance to go from that first turn, to the light where you turn into get to the theatre on West Page. The restaurant by the theatre, Grainbelt, has a narrow parking lot, and there's a ton of construction, so I was watching carefully for cars backing out or pedestrians crossing; there were none. As I got to the theatre's front parking lot, I hear the siren go off behind me. It was a motorcycle cop.

Yup, I was pulled over for going 35 in a 25. I pulled into the side parking lot and stopped. Brad, one of our techs for the show, witnessed this all, for he was working yet again on our rain stage. The cop comes up:

"Good afternoon," he said.

"Good morning."

"Or good morning rather," he said. I laughed. "Do you know why I pulled you over."

"Probably speeding." Not the best answer I could have given, I admit, but I knew I wasn't going 25, so why beat about the bush.

"That's right. You know how fast you were going."

"No I do not." Funny how one never seems to use contractions when in trouble.

"You were clocked at going 35." I just said Oh, and he asked, "Do you know how fast the speed limit is?"

"25."

"...That's right." Ha!

"And," he said. And? "--You also ran that stop sign right there."

I looked over and saw the stop sign there is right before turning into the side parking lot. Shit. Ah well.

I apologized, and told him my only thought was pulling into the parking lot. He asked, "Did you not see me?" Or something to the effect, here my mind goes blank. Apparently, his lights were on for awhile before he sirened. I didn't notice because as I said, I was looking for pedestrians and other hazards. He figured as much, that I probably just freaked out. Meanwhile, another cop shows up. He later expalined he had called for backup. Backup! He thought, that because I ran the sign and didn't stop right away, that I was going to run or jump out of my car or something. Not me specifically, but he said typically that's what happens.

Ok, no big deal right? Yeah, I got a ticket. Gilbert police have nothing better to do anyway. I explained that I was just trying to get to work, which was "this building" (pointing to the theatre). It was 10:02 when I said this. But man was I shaking. When I got my license out I also handed him my health insurance card and my voice started to tremble. He asked if I had a suspended license, which was the thought he had when I ran the sign. No, I replied. In the end, he thanked me for "being cool" about it all and I thanked him too. I walked into the box office, and the first time I noticed was 10:13. Great, a ticket, and I was late, on the busiest morning we've had in like two weeks.

I didn't think this until after, but I couldn't go faster than the gardening or pickup truck that was right in front of me could I? Why didn't HE get the bust? I wish I had said that to the cop; I wonder what his response would have been. Oh, and if it wasn't clear, I wasn't cited for the stop sign. He figured, as I said, I just "freaked out." But such is life. Needless to say I drove rather cautiously the rest of the day. The thing I just keep thinking about was this really wasn't some big ordeal, yet I still quivered as though I had been going 60 in a 25 and hit two old ladies and a pony with my Cruella hair blowing wildly in the wind. I suppose its just the lack of experience of dealing with local law enforcement. That does not mean I want MORE experience, but, you know what I mean.

So, thank you Gilbert Police for keeping another actor at bay. In our humble little lives, I guess we take what we can, even if its only ten miles an hour.

Monday, monday...

It was just Casey and me at home today, which was extremely nice. I'm a person who isn't like to be told to do things, and I had none of that today. And, funny thing is, I feel I got more done. When I can do things on my own initiative, I feel I have a more personal stake in the task, and its therefore more important to me. Because I decided to, cleaning up didn't feel like a chore; it was simply something that needed to be done.

It was nice to just rest. I haven't had a day to myself since tech week for "Singin' in the Rain" began two weeks ago today. In fact, even longer than that, as I still had work to do at the theatre. Mostly, that was all the material that needed to be edited for the show... which, of course, wasn't given to me till five days before opening night. I'll admit I do better in a crunch. But fore something this labor intensive, and frankly, important, it would have been nice to have some more time.However, everything turned out well, and I can relax... for at least one day.

I slept in, made breakfast, played piano, took a quick stab at writing something, but I just wasn't into it. So, it being Oscar night and all, I decided to put in some of the dvd's the Academy sent for our consideration. First on the list, No Country for Old Men. My God what an excellent film; it so deserved the Academy Award. I was weary at first, only because I just wasn't sure what it would be about, but the minute I heard Tommy Lee Jones' opening narration, I knew I was in for something good. Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, and Tommy Lee Jones never share any direct screentime with each other, but weave such a twisting plot that draws you in and doesn't let you go until the last credit has rolled. Bardem plays the film's antagonist Anton Chigurh, an immensly creepy sociopath hit-man trying to get his hand on $2 million lifted off a drug deal gone awry, and he has one of the most, pardon me, bad-ass guns ever. May I just say that his immense creepiness was overruled by his handsome mug shown several times during the Academy Awards. May I also say I need to read the book now. Poll question anyone?

Next on the list was Away from Her. I wanted to cry the entire length of the movie, but couldn't force out a tear until the last line of the movie. Julie Christie plays a wife with Alzheimer's and is put in a nursing home by her husband, Gordon Pinsent. The home's policy of a 30 day waiting period before the spouse can visit again proves most upsetting, as Christie's Fiona forgets her husband Grant. Yeah, she recognizes him, but doesn't know him. Instead, she pursues a romantic relationship with another resident in the home, yet Grant is a faithful visitor, coming every day with flowers and books for his wife. It was a touching yet frustrating story made by our neighbor Canada.

I'm about fifteen mintues in to Margot at the Wedding right now but stopped to watch the end of the Oscars and get this ready to post for Monday-- uh, er today.

There's a new poll question, prompted by watching No Country for Old Men. It was a 2005 novel, and apparently the film is a very true adaptation of the book. A reviewer even offered the author, Cormac McCarthy, as the greatest living writer. Anyway, the questions under the About Me section on the left side of the page, so vote please. Okay, off to do laundry and a project for school, among other things. :) More later, or tomorrow.

Next blog: 7 random things about me, for I was tagged by Jenn and shall obey.

And the winner iszzz.... not Ralph Nader

Four hours or less.	3 (50%)
Between 5 and 6 hours.	2 (33%)
Between 6 and 7 hours.	0 (0%)
Eight hours or more.	1 (16%

Newflash! No one in theatre gets any frickin' sleep! So, six votes total including myself. Now I know at least five people have seen the site. I'll try to make this standard. Create a poll, leave it up a week, and we'll analyze the results.

Not much to analyze here. Frankly, I'm surprised someone gets eight or more hours of sleep. Who are you? And tell me how you do it!

So, my mom and dad are out of town, making sure everything is ok with my grandma and grandpa. He just had surgery for his cancer, and there were complications. But he's going home today or tomorrow. :) His cancer (colon cancer, one of the most virulent) was I believe at stage 3 or 4 when they found it, so thank God he's ok now.

Anywho, come on over. Wild parties goin' on ovuh he-ah!!!! Mostly to celebrate Ralph Nader joining the presidential race. It was only a matter of time before he threw his hat in. What does he expect to happen? He's like the guy at the twenty-yard line that you watch who's not really important. He's a footnote in all these races, but he has a great slogan: You won't ever have to worry about me getting laid in the Oval Office. I wish I could take credit for that... so I will.

Have a restful Sunday.

Why all in Cockney?

Here's the recording I did yesterday. I emailed it to myself and got it to work. Now you don't have to call the theatre and ask to be put on hold... although you SHOULD be calling the theatre to get Singin' in the Rain tickets! Last week in March still available!! 

Anywho, I played this for my boss yesterday, and we sat and listened to it in silence. He nodded in affirmation and said he like the way it was put together, putting special emphasis on those words. So, I waited for the "but" to come. It came. "I liked the way it was put together, and the volume dips and edits were good... but why did you do it all in Cockney?"

No words. Should have sent a poet. Listen to this:

Was that cockney to you?! I already have the support of some of the other employees at the theatre. And yes, I do realize that back-east dialects are closely related to English, but still, come on! I told if that's the way he read it, then I'll re-do it. He paused™, "No, go ahead and do it. It'll be fine." :0

Sigh. Every play a little breath.

And That's Why I Have Knots

I'm sitting on my bosses computer, recording the on-hold message for our phones in the box office. Well, I'm finished recording, I'm just waiting for someone to listen to it. But its only through luck that I was able to do this today. I wasn't scheduled to work, but did I realize this, noooo. I've worked every friday for the past couple months, and this was the first time I wasn't scheduled. And of course, it happened on the morning that I woke up extremely early yet still managed to be running really late for work. Let's just say its rather humbling when you drive 60 mph past two cops who don't do anything. <.< >.> So I get here a little frazzled in my new blue shirt from Abercrombie, only to find out I wasn't in the calendar. But, as I said, it gave me a chance to do this recording.

And speaking of Abercrombie, I can say that yesterday I had the best experience ever in that store. The woman at the counter, a nice Indian girl, out-of-the-blue asked if I was from around here. I told her I lived in Mesa, and she asked what I did. (I'm a struggling student-actor who has no idea what direction he wants to go in life). "I'm an actor." This blew her away. "You're my dream come true." She apparently acted in college and it was a very strong passion of hers. I told her she should just get out there and do it, to which she replied, Oh, I can't act. ... I told her about Durant and she was most appreciative, practically gushing as she rang up my clothes. For once I wasn't judged in an Abercrombie. Its awful cold in Hell right now.

The same thing happened when I got my hair cut; the ladies at the shop were amazed I was an actor and asked what I was doing, what I've done, what I'll do, all while they were doing my hair! Well just one was, the other was playing cards, but a sweetheart nonetheless. Its kinda cooler then being recognized, when you didn't have to do anything to get people excited about you. So that was fun.

In case you didn't know, I'm in Singin' in the Rain at the Hale Theatre in Gilbert. We're almost completely sold, so order tickets FAST. 497.1181 is the box office. Hell, why don't I just play you the recording I made. :) If I can figure out how.

...in a bath towel

I want to start with an addendum to God's Dragonfly. When I reread it I saw I never brought it back to the original idea: "how long did it take to create the earth." You probably figured it out on your own, but the idea was, maybe both science AND the Bible are correct. Six days to God may be thousands of years-- in which case we have far less then ten minutes to make our mark. The notion that scripture and theory can't get along has always boggled me.

Anywho, I have another show tonight at the Hale. I missed everyone from last week, but it was nice to get away. This was a welcome respite from the insanity that was tech-week. Now that the show is up, and just about all the kinks worked out, I'm ready to enjoy the next six weeks.

And I'm writing all this in a bath towel. I've been obsessing over this dam-ned blog. I changed the template again, only to modify it later. And I oh so want to keep it daily, but interesting. Everyone else on the blogosphere seems to have a theme: photography, which I do sparingly; family, which I don't have (by that I mean I'm not a father or spouse).

I mean, my first blog was about religion for Pete's sake! Yet the bi-line for the site is "An Actor's Journey Into Life," which, if you don't get the allusion, mirrors A Hard Day's Journey Into Night. Anyone? Anyone? Buehler? Ah, nuts to that.

I need a theme guys. Or better yet, what do you want to know?

God's Dragonfly

In how many days was the earth created? Biblically, six. Scientifically, thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of years. What is God's time compared to our own? According to Einstein's general theory of relativity, an organism the size of an insect experiences roughly ten seconds in the span of a single human second. So, you observe a dragonfly land on your hand for a second. Because of that theory, nearly ten seconds have elapsed for the dragonfly. Is it any wonder they seem to move so quickly?

So how long did it take God to create the earth? Assuming the laws of physics apply to God, let's ask who He is. I've always viewed Him to be an omnipresent, omniscient energy, who is everywhere, in everyone, all at once. But even if He's not, any god must obviously scale a single man by thousands, just as we scale that dragonfly by hundreds. Given these circumstances, might our relative times differ? What is a day in our life compared to the day in the life of God?

To put not too fine a point on it, a lifetime of fifty years on earth might only equate to 10 minutes for God. If that's the case, how long do we have as men to make an impression on Him? Though not a single human nor a single dragonfly is insignificant to God, we appear before Him for a seemly insignificant amount of time. That hour we spend bitching about the drive to school or work hardly equates to a nano-second for God. If we therefore only devote some of our energies and time to Him, say, only a few days a week every few months praying, we appear a rather fickle species to God.

This isn't supposed to be as religious as it sounds. Rather, it can have completely secular implications. In the scheme of things, that medium or large Dr. Pepper decision we agonize over has no lasting meaning. We weigh heavily on the consequences of our actions, yet turn a blind eye to those consequences the moment another "crisis" emerges. So what is the point of worrying if we don't even take stock in any of it?

What we do in life should have lasting meaning; not what benefits us for a few days, a couple weeks, even a month. If what we decide doesn't add to the greater achievement of our dreams, then not even time and chance can make their mark. When we think only a few minutes or days ahead, then time and chance are wasted, bound by our own irrelevance. I'm striving to make my choices count. I'm struggling to ensure that what I do is not only important, but has a lasting relevance. My lifetime is but a miniscule amount of time to God, or whatever energy gives us sentience, so I damn well better make it count.