On the outside

I feel excluded. I've discovered how introverted I actually am, and this keeps me out of several things. Unless extremely comfortable, I get quiet at social gatherings. I feel like I have nothing relevant to offer, or that what I say doesn't count. I'm always the person on the outside. Yes, I have good friends, good mentors, but I'm the one who gets left behind when those people take it a step further. Then I get jealous; I feel betrayed and left out of the loop. I want people to be honest with me, candid and frank, and not lead me on. If I'm not included that's fine, but I want to know where they stand with me.

I hate to sound so mean. I'm just ready to grow up and get this angsty stuff out of the way.

Wednesday

My grandmother's viewing was yesterday and it was absolutely beautiful. Her room was brimming with flowers. Which, not gonna lie, gave me a headache after a couple of hours. :) Grandpa looked great, real strong and healthy. A few weeks ago he was in the hospital to have colon cancer removed. He came home two and a half weeks before she passed away. I'm just so glad they were together at the end.

Honestly, when I first heard that something had happened I thought Grandpa had passed. Our minds  had all just been on him for the past few weeks. But now he's recovering quickly and doing very well. As for everyone else... I cried when I saw her yesterday. I was scared I wasn't going to because I hadn't already, but I saw her and tears came. She looked so beautiful, and did NOT look like an 80 year-old woman.

The funeral is today. Is it wrong to look forward to that? I mean, everyone will get to see each other, and see her. I guess I want everyone to see her to see how beautiful she looks. What I'm not looking forward to is singing. I don't know if I'll be able to get through it. I'm singing Ave Maria near the end of the ceremony, so of course I'll be nice and nervous by then. But its for Gramma, so maybe that will ground me. We'll see.

I'm not much in the writing mood right now. Tomorrow I'll have more details of how the funeral went, along with the success (or lack of) of the song. This will be a long day.

Undiscovered Country

I know I haven't been on here for awhile. Life just kinda got away from me all at once. Maybe I let it get away. I have a big issue with dealing with things- anything. School, work, theatre, travel, death. When I venture into-- no, I don't venture, rather I sit back as far and as long as I can and watch. When I see something that is unknown to me, I am atypically reserved. I don't like change, I want to be comfortable. I don't want to want that, but somehow the concurrent events of my life have made it difficult for me to seek change.

For example, I don't want to get stuck here in Arizona. I want to move away, to New York, LA, Seattle, any place exciting and brimming with opportunity. I don't want to get stuck at the Hale Theatre in Gilbert, AZ. There is Phoenix Theatre, Arizona Broadway, Southwest Shakespeare that, for now, could offer me so much and give me the chance to grow.

I want those new things, yet when the opportunity to have them is handed to me on a silver platter, I find a distraction, or a distraction finds me, and I move on to what I already know: I am comfortable being unsatisfied.

My grandma passed away last week while I was at Disneyland. What was great about that trip was there were no obligations and no drama. There was no future other than the immediate future, the one that determines what ride to go to next. The only proof of a past was my camera and my memory, but I can't trust my memory, so only the camera. There was no time, and nothing happened anywhere else in the world. Grandma hasn't died, because a person can't die when nothing is happening in the world. I imagine this week will be hard for me. I haven't grieved, so I don't look forward to what the funeral has in store. It will be uncomfortable.

I'm not okay with that. But I need it. I need to let myself get riled up, actually follow through with the unknown for a change. I must allow my mind to dwell upon a future, an uncertainty. I know Arizona, I know the Hale, I know Disneyland... but these other places are foreign. I'm venturing into one of those places this week, and I'm not sure if I'll end up back here. I'm scared.

Yeah... new page

I'm an extremely indecisive person. :)