Undiscovered Country

I know I haven't been on here for awhile. Life just kinda got away from me all at once. Maybe I let it get away. I have a big issue with dealing with things- anything. School, work, theatre, travel, death. When I venture into-- no, I don't venture, rather I sit back as far and as long as I can and watch. When I see something that is unknown to me, I am atypically reserved. I don't like change, I want to be comfortable. I don't want to want that, but somehow the concurrent events of my life have made it difficult for me to seek change.

For example, I don't want to get stuck here in Arizona. I want to move away, to New York, LA, Seattle, any place exciting and brimming with opportunity. I don't want to get stuck at the Hale Theatre in Gilbert, AZ. There is Phoenix Theatre, Arizona Broadway, Southwest Shakespeare that, for now, could offer me so much and give me the chance to grow.

I want those new things, yet when the opportunity to have them is handed to me on a silver platter, I find a distraction, or a distraction finds me, and I move on to what I already know: I am comfortable being unsatisfied.

My grandma passed away last week while I was at Disneyland. What was great about that trip was there were no obligations and no drama. There was no future other than the immediate future, the one that determines what ride to go to next. The only proof of a past was my camera and my memory, but I can't trust my memory, so only the camera. There was no time, and nothing happened anywhere else in the world. Grandma hasn't died, because a person can't die when nothing is happening in the world. I imagine this week will be hard for me. I haven't grieved, so I don't look forward to what the funeral has in store. It will be uncomfortable.

I'm not okay with that. But I need it. I need to let myself get riled up, actually follow through with the unknown for a change. I must allow my mind to dwell upon a future, an uncertainty. I know Arizona, I know the Hale, I know Disneyland... but these other places are foreign. I'm venturing into one of those places this week, and I'm not sure if I'll end up back here. I'm scared.